Communication is often talked about as though there's one "right" way to do it. Speak clearly. Be concise. Make eye contact. Reply quickly. But for many autistic and ADHD people, communication is much more nuanced than that.

One of the most helpful things we can do is develop awareness of how we communicate best — and what feels good, comfortable, and sustainable for us.

That sounds simple, but communication preferences can actually vary a lot depending on the situation, the person we're with, our energy levels, sensory demands, stress levels, or even the time of day.

For some people, communication preferences are quite consistent. For others, they shift constantly. Neither is wrong.

The key is awareness.

Communication Isn't One Fixed Style

Sometimes I like to communicate with lots of detail, context, and backstory. I want to explain the whole picture, all the associations, and everything that led up to a situation.

Other times, I want the exact opposite — direct, efficient, and completely to the point with no fluff, no unnecessary conversation, just clarity.

And then there are other times where communication feels more free-flowing. Tangents feel enjoyable. Conversations wander naturally. The structure matters less than the process of exploring ideas together.

The important thing is recognising the different styles of communication that feel good to you — not just what you can do, or what you've learned to do socially, but what actually feels natural, enjoyable, regulating, or comfortable.

Communication Can Be Pattern-Based and Associative

For many autistic people, communication can also involve repetition, patterns, associations, and shared references. Sometimes this shows up in quoting TV programmes, films, songs, memes, or repeated phrases.

There can be something deeply connecting and comforting about saying one part of a quote and knowing the other person will respond with the next line. It creates familiarity, predictability, rhythm, and shared understanding.

This kind of communication is often dismissed as "random" or "irrelevant," but it can actually be a meaningful way of connecting. Communication can sometimes be about transferring information — but not always. Sometimes it's about shared experience, regulation, playfulness, recognition, or comfort.

Communication Is More Than Speaking

When people think about communication, they often think only about speaking. But speaking is just one form of communication. There's also:

• Written communication and messaging
• Voice notes
• Visual communication
• Body language
• Silence and movement
• Shared interests

It can be really helpful to notice whether your communication preferences change depending on the format. For example, there may be times when speaking feels impossible or exhausting, but written communication feels much easier. Or there may be moments where even messaging feels too demanding.

That doesn't mean something is wrong. Often, communication capacity is connected to overall demand. If sensory overwhelm is high, if you're tired, overstimulated, emotionally overloaded, or juggling too many demands, communication may naturally become more difficult.

Noticing patterns can help you understand yourself more compassionately and communicate your needs more clearly to others.

To explore your communication needs and preferences more fully, this is a super helpful book co-authored by one of our clinicians at Autistic Girls, Hat Richardson: Exploring Semi-Speaking as a Communication Identity.

Understanding What Helps You Receive Communication

As well as understanding how you prefer to communicate, it can also help to notice what kind of communication feels supportive to receive. For example, ask yourself:

• Do you prefer direct communication?
• Do you find vague messages stressful?
• Is it easier when information is written down?
• Do bullet points help?
• Do you need processing time before responding?
• Do you prefer people to be explicit rather than implying things?

These details matter. At the same time, it's important not to move into trying to control or overanalyse somebody else's internal world.

One way to think about this is staying within your own "circle." You can know yourself. You can communicate your preferences. You can say, "I find it helpful when…" or "I communicate best when…" But we can't fully step into somebody else's circle and decide how they should communicate, what they should feel, or what they intended.

That's where open dialogue becomes important. Instead of assumptions, there can be curiosity. Instead of mind-reading, there can be conversations about what works best for both people.

Structured Communication Can Really Help

One communication approach that many people find particularly helpful is the Imago Dialogue process — a structured communication framework where people take turns in specific roles and follow a clear process when speaking and listening.

For many autistic and ADHD people, structure within communication can reduce anxiety and misunderstanding because expectations are clearer. The Imago process is often used within couples work and family relationships, but aspects of it can be useful in many contexts.

Having a structure can make communication feel safer, slower, and more intentional.

Communication in the Workplace

Workplaces can become much more accessible when people are able to communicate openly about how they work best. One helpful approach is creating a document that explains your communication preferences and working style. This might include things like:

• Preferring clear, direct instructions
• Finding bullet points easier to process
• Needing clarity around expectations
• Preferring written follow-up after meetings
• Needing processing time before responding
• Finding unexpected calls stressful

The specific details matter, but what often matters even more is the shift in dynamic that happens when these conversations become possible. It opens the channel for communication about communication!

Instead of constantly trying to guess or mask, there's more space to say: "Actually, it would help me if…" or "Could you communicate this in a different way?"

Even if nobody follows a document perfectly, simply acknowledging that people have different communication needs can completely change how people work together.

Final Thoughts

There isn't one correct way to communicate. Communication needs can change across contexts, relationships, environments, and energy levels. What matters most is building awareness of what feels supportive, sustainable, and authentic for you.

Understanding your communication style is not about becoming rigid or demanding. It's about creating more clarity, reducing unnecessary friction, and making connection feel safer and more possible.

And sometimes, simply having language for your needs can change everything.

If you'd like to explore an autism or AuDHD (autism and ADHD assessment) with us, book a screening call here.